I have posted a new blog 78 Tuesdays in a row now.
That’s exactly 1.5 years worth.
When I started I was worried if I’d have the time, or the passion, or simply the breadth of ideas to keep this going for over a year.
That was my first goal: 1 year straight. And I did it! Without shitting the bed once!
Who knew 79 was my unlucky number.
This weekend I worked 6 hours on a blog that I was READY TO POST SUNDAY NIGHT.
I ANTICIPATED THE ELECTION AND GOT MY HOMEWORK DONE EARLY.
I was so proud of myself, smiling like a fucking idiot.
I was literally getting ready to publish the entire article and was trying to add the tags – which are usually on the right side tool bar, a sidebar from which WordPress loves to remove and add shit to seemingly at whim – when I think I hit the back arrow in my browser and…everything was gone.
I had a sense of loss I would relate to the worst senses of loss I’ve ever had in my entire life. My body was suddenly immovably heavy.
No, my blog is not as life-changing as the news that one of your best friends growing-up died of an overdose, and in any other year, this would be a mistake I would, as I’ve done my whole life, just deeply hate myself for for weeks and weeks and go on about my day.
But this happened in 2020.
On the eve of the most stressful election of my life.
While I’m planning a wedding.
At a time when my work – for which my pay was cut 15%, but my workload was, if anything, only added to – is providing me a level of stress I’ve only ever known as “asking a girl to the prom”, but every 15 minutes. For real, it’s the stress equivalent of attending High School naked, but with none of the lack-of-consequences.
Meanwhile, my dog is refusing to eat off the floor and so now I’m like, PLEASE EAT! WE’VE HAD YOU FOR 6 MONTHS AND WE CAN’T KEEP FEEDING YOU ON THE COUCH!!! It’s been about 48 hours now and she’s only eating small scraps and treats. Cool.
There are no highs in 2020. There are mediums, certainly. But most notably, there are more levels, more onion-layers of lows, than I ever thought possible.
It’s a real 50 shades of depression situation.
So when I hit that back button, adding some tags in the quick editor, and then thought, “hey, why not check on that article I just wrote all of?”, I clicked a link that led to a completely blank page.
The denial was immediate. The hyperventilating, robust.
My mind became a fire of emptiness.
I was asked to leave the living room.
I did not recover that night.
The Packers had just lost to a team whose fans I live amongst, and my Fantasy team lost to the worst team in my league, because since when does Nyheim Hines have a good game!?!?
I was in a muted stupor, my eyes glazed over, my bowl finding itself refilled mindlessly with serving after serving of Kraft Mac & Cheese.
Then I got to wake up and go to work on a Monday.
So anyways, I hope you voted and if not, I hope you vote today.
I will, I hope, find the will to re-write that article from the beginning (how it got deleted in its entirety still confounds me) this week.
It was a really cool article about how the electoral college and baseball have stupid rules and how we, maybe, shouldn’t follow rules made up 100+ fucking years ago.
This loss honestly made me want to give up my entire will to write this blog.
All at once, I had broken my streak, failed at my weekly quota, and erased most of my Sunday and Friday evenings work. But it was something worse, it was what happens when people are pushed to the edge, and then over.
But you know what? Fuck 2020.
I’ll get that article re-written and posted next week simply out of spite.
A time at which I’m scared the article will still be relevant as we may not be done counting up who placated the Western Pennsylvania frackers and Wisconsin pandemic-bargoers the best.