Alessia Cara Where the Fuck Were You When I Was In High School?

Life before anti-social acceptance was full of DMX, self-loathing, and not having a word for FOMO

Really though Alessia, where were you?

In high school I thought I was supposed to go to parties and feel bad that I had trouble talking to people, squanch those feelings down with alcohol, and then dance around wildly while avoiding the girl I liked.

That’s why they call them “parties”.

I mean sure, I had Alice DJ telling me “do you think you’re better off alone?” but that seemed more like Alice DJ didn’t think I was better off alone, knew what was good for me, and might be judging me for my anti-social crutches.

What I would’ve given to have some singer say:

Truly, I ain’t got no business here

But since my friends are here

I just came to kick it but really

I would rather be at home all by myself not in this room

Are you fucking kidding me?

I DIDN’T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION.

Xennials

I’m supposed to be a millenial but no one told me that growing up.

It seems a lot of the benefits Millenials are supposed to have enjoyed, didn’t really exist when I was growing up.

SOCIETY: Hey, millenial kid in 1998, just remember: you don’t have to base your self worth on your social media presence, introverts are the new extroverts, and feelings are ok.

ME: Wait, what!? What is a millenial? What the fuck is social media and why can’t I talk to anyone without my crippling insecurities telling me no one likes me and that my words are dumb?

My entire life I was “generation Y” until I was in my 30s and suddenly I was a millenial (or Xennial, which I found out is also called the “Oregon Trail Generation” which is a term I predicatively enjoy).

Due to this, I got the perfect mix of all the terrible things about previous generations:

• Lack of mental health awareness
• The braggadocio machismo of late 90s hip hop
• No one caring about the environment except me because I was haunted by Fern Gully
• Having no generational identity
• No activism
• Slow Internet porn
• Bill Clinton
• Alcoholism

And all the terrible things about being a millenial:

• Being called “millenial”
• Everyone thinking I grew up with facebook
• Everyone thinking i’m a whiny baby who is ruining the world
• Not being woke enough
• Being a special snowflake because I empathize with people who don’t look like me
• Reddit
• Fast Internet porn
• Opiate addiction
• A 40-year trend of stagnant wages aggressively outpaced by the cost of living

My party music never encouraged me to feel my feelings and talk to my friends about our dreams like Alessia does:

Your intentions aren’t to bother me

But honestly I’d rather be

Somewhere with my people we can kick it and just listen

To some music with the message (like we usually do)

And we’ll discuss our big dreams

The party music of my generation literally told me:

You wack, you’re twisted, your girl’s a ho

You’re broke, the kid ain’t yours, and e’rybody know

Your old man say you stupid, you be like, “So?

I love my baby mother, I never let her go”

I love you X, but how am I supposed to be comfortable in my own discomfort with that being yelled in my ear?

Yo Yo’s & FOMO

Nowadays, it’s super cool to be uncool. At least, from what I can tell. From streetwear to enthusiasm for yoyo’s to watching people play video games, it’s clear the nerds got their revenge.

And that’s great, it really is.

It’s how people should be: feeling free to be excited about things they find exciting and everyone else encouraging them.

We should all hype up each other’s hobbies and interests, short of hurtful or self-destructive ones.

With this type of accepting attitude, more people are going to be able to be someone who is comfortable with themselves, who follows their own inner voice and vision, doesn’t give into peer pressure as easily, and is socially adept enough to network in college so I could find a job like you’re supposed to.

But how could I have been that person without Alessia Cara telling me:

Excuse me if I seem a little unimpressed with this

An anti social pessimist but usually I don’t mess with this

The permission to be an anti-social pessimist. In a song. A song that’s a hit. An anti-party song that probably gets played at parties.

How was I, awkward teenager, supposed to make my own life decisions without pop culture validating my personality type before-hand?

Now, I definitely thought the following at every unsuccessful party I forced myself to go to:

sit somewhere in the corner under clouds of marijuana

Over this music I don’t listen to and I don’t wanna get with you

So tell my friends that I’ll be over here

But I forced myself through that pain because I had a Fear Of Missing Out. Only, we didn’t even have the term FOMO. I had no words for what I was going through.

As a teenager I literally didn’t know what anxiety was.

I thought everyone found it as hard as I did to look people in the eye or make small talk and I couldn’t imagine how any of them were so good at it. (In reality, I later found out, everyone was just faking it. But still, they could muster up the courage to pretend to be confident).

So there I was, an anti-social pessimist with FOMO, given no permission to be any of the things I was, clawing in the dark wondering why everyone was comfortable with the over stimulating environment of house parties in the early 2000s and not realizing that it was ok if I was uncomfortable.

Being uncomfortable as a teenager is hard, but being uncomfortable is what the majority of being a teenager is. Being uncomfortable and hating yourself for being uncomfortable makes everything about teenage life, and the succeeding 20s, that much harder.

To Justin Bieber and Beyond

Not only did Alessia’s song trigger my teenage broken heart, it kicked off a new trend. Nowadays, the only thing cooler than going to the cool person party is going to the cool person party and not wanting to be there.

Just ask the most famous white male singers of our time:

I’m at a party I don’t wanna be at
And I don’t ever wear a suit and tie
Wonderin’ if I could sneak out the back
Nobody’s even lookin’ me in my eyes

And later…

Don’t think I fit in at this party
Everyone’s got so much to say, yeah
I always feel like I’m nobody, mm
Who wants to fit in anyway?

You know who wants to fit in? People who don’t; teenagers who already feel left out and didn’t know it was an option to be themselves, or, as much as they knew it, practicing it was something they simply couldn’t muster up the confidence for.

So where were you Alessia Cara?

Where the fuck were you when I was in High School?

(Google Search)

Alessia Care was 5 years old then.

5 YEARS OLD THEN

5 YEARS OLD THEN

5….f&eAS^&in’….YEARS….dsf34%&^*….OLD….

I suppose the answer to my question, then, is that Alessia Cara was in Kindergarten.

Huh.

Alessia Cara Won’t Help You, High School Jordan

So, as a letter to myself *cough* 20 *cough* years ago, I will say this: people like you. You’re a good person. You have issues. Everyone has issues. Yours are called social anxiety and depression. They effect the very thoughts you tell yourself. You are not your thoughts, you are the one listening to them. You should stay on Wellbutrin. Don’t wear headphones in the hallways, at least most days. On hard days it’s ok. It’s also ok that social situations give you anxiety. That is your challenge. You have to face it as many times as you can because it only gets harder the more you avoid it. It’s also ok if you don’t face up to the challenge sometimes, don’t beat yourself up about it or you will lose months to years of your life. And you will lose months to years of your life. I’m sorry about these facts but they’re true. Rapping and skateboarding won’t make you better at talking to people, but you should still do them because you love them. Your favorite music is the music you listen to as your going to bed at night. You do not need to wait for a singer named Alessia Cara, because she will be born far too late to help you. I love you. People love you and you deserve that love. Also, Minneapolis is a lot fucking colder than Milwaukee. It seems like it’s not but it really, really is. No one will tell you this, they’ll all act like it’s kind of the same weather. It’s not. It’s “we have hockey rinks in our public parks because it doesn’t get above 32 degrees for 4 months” different. Also, scarves are more important than hats. Buy a REAL winter coat and wear gloves you idiot. Sorry. I love you. P.S. Don’t smoke weed before doing stuff that involves other people. Trust me.